Parenting Column -

 

QUESTION: What is emotional intelligence, and is it as important as a person’s I.Q.?  

 

ANSWER: Child development research is showing that emotional intelligence (E.Q.) may be more important than I.Q. in determining a child’s success in later life.  The underlying skills that make up emotional intelligence can be taught to children.  Child psychologists are identifying games as the most effective way to teach cooperation, sharing and making friends, the positive skills needed throughout life. Games give children the tools they need to work things out in daily experience.  Learning and play are a child’s work.  Children thrive on positive adult attention, and it’s valuable for all adults to realize that playing with our children is a wonderful way to develop their E.Q.  We all learn best when we’re relaxed and happy.        
What games do you remember playing with adults or older friends as you were growing up?  My favorite childhood memories include jigsaw puzzles with my grandmother and her friends, endless games of Candyland with my mother, dancing with my father while standing on his shoes, singing action songs with my Sunday School teacher, playing Go Fish with my aunt and uncle, acting out the story-lines created and directed by my preteen neighbor and pick-up sticks with my teen-age sitter.
Learning by watching and doing is as traditional as building snowmen and as innovative as computer games.  The rules in game playing teach structure and cooperation and give us practice following directions and becoming problem-solvers.
There is amazing power in positive, focused attention.  Following your child’s lead in choosing a game or activity and playing together for 15 minutes every day will increase your son or daughter’s sense of satisfaction and well-being.  The result is a child with a higher E.Q.  It’s well worth the time.  In fact, it probably increases your E.Q. too.

 

---

 

QUESTION:  What’s the best way to get my children off to a good start in school this fall?
 
ANSWER:  Starting a new school year can be both exciting and stressful. Here are a few ideas to make the first weeks a positive experience for everybody:

• Talk about the “school time routine” a few days before school actually starts. When are heads to be on the pillow and lights out?  When will the alarm go off in the morning?  Is breakfast at the kitchen table or at school? What time will the school bus arrive or your car leave the driveway?
• Find out what your kids are expecting to happen the first weeks of school.  My boys were four years apart in age, but each, independently, told me firmly in August that they couldn’t go to first grade. When I asked, in surprise, “Why not?” they told me that they couldn’t read!  It was my job to explain that their teacher might be nervous, but they didn’t have to be.  Their teacher was responsible for teaching them to read; they didn’t need to know before they got there. (Apparently, my kids were learning the Boy Scout motto: Be Prepared.)
• Make a homework plan before school starts.  Talk about it together. When will homework be completed - right after school, before supper, right after supper?  Where will it get done?  I really encourage parents to turn off the TV in the house during homework time. Our children’s homework time is a great time for us to do some reading, our own project or even cleaning.  It gives the message that we’re focusing on things that need to get done, too. While our children’s homework is not for us to do, it’s a fortunate child who has a parent close by for encouragement and brainstorming. One of the reasons I liked school was because I had parents who listened to my spelling words, read my essays and explained grammar mistakes and found me a math tutor.
• Be alert to what’s really important to your child in terms of “fitting in” during that first week of school.  While we don’t need to get our kids everything they think they need to have, they will be very grateful if we understand that “something” is really important: it might be the box of new crayons, a certain lunchbox or backpack, one pair of brand name jeans, or a shirt that’s a particular color. 

 

---

 

QUESTION: I would like my young children to be involved in play that teaches gentleness and caring.  Do you have any suggestions?

 

ANSWER:  Children really enjoy having adults involved in make-believe play.  If you are willing to take the time to shape the make-believe situations, it is a wonderful time to teach gentleness and caring.
One of my favorite games with young children is lining up chairs and pretending they are seats on an airplane.  The child’s stuffed animals become the passengers and the child is the flight attendant who passes out pillows and blankets for comfort, reading material and meals. “Are you comfortable?” “Do you need a blanket or a pillow?” “Would you like water or juice?”  These are questions that show concern for others.
A variation on hide-seek is to hide stuffed animals around the house.  As you and your child find an animal, use words of pleasure and celebration at the discovery.  “Oh, I’m so glad to have found you!” “Oh, good - now I can play with you!”  These are phrases that teach a child how to verbally express positive feelings toward others.
Care-givers provide help and comfort.  Using a washable doll, place a little red paint on the doll’s knee or arm.  Coach your child to use caring words for the doll.  Show him/her how to clean the wound and place a Bandaid on the area. 
Barbara Oehlberg, in “Making It Better: Activities for Children Living In A Stressful World,” suggests a rescue game for children.  Tell your children a story about a little kitten that gets lost, perhaps under a thick cluster of bushes.  Children walking home from school hear the kitten’s scared and lonely meows.  The children decide to form a rescue team by linking their hands and carefully inching the first child under the bushes to rescue the kitten.  The first child passes the kitten down the rescue chain to the next child.  From hand to hand, each child comforts the kitten with words and strokes.  After the story, drape a sheet or blanket over a low table and place a stuffed animal under the table.  Guide your child and his playmates in becoming a rescue team for the toy animal.
When you have an opportunity, share with another adult, in your child’s presence, how caring and comforting he or she is learning to be. How we hear ourselves described influences our self-image and our behaviors.

 

---

 

QUESTION:  Can you share some words to say that match the smiles and hugs I give my children?

 

ANSWER:  Here is a great list of “verbal hugs” for kids. Any or all of them may be used liberally each day with your child.

• I’m glad to share this (day, time, lunch) with you.
• I’m glad you’re here.
• I’m glad you live in this house.
• I enjoy you.
• I enjoy being with you.
• I’m glad we’re (riding, walking, playing working) together.
• I thought about you during the day.
• I like you.
• I’m glad you are in my (house, life, family).
• I think you are a neat kid.
• I’m glad you are my son/daughter.
• Thanks for being you.
• I like the way you did that.
• You have a good eye for color.
• Thank you for picking up the (papers, dishes, toys).
• You are one great (cook, duster, picker-upper).
• I am amazed at your improvement.
• You are the fastest (runner, worker, helper) I know.
• Nice job of planning.
• Great follow-through.
• You think well.
• I love the way you use your voice.
• You certainly are clever.
• Thanks for the gift.
• I appreciate the way you listen.
• What you said is very interesting. Thanks for sharing.
• You encourage me to think.
• You put things together in creative ways.
• Thank you for being so patient.
• I’m proud of the way you did that.

Remember that encouragement, which is describing specific appreciated behaviors or attitudes, is usually more affirming than praise, which is telling children that they are “good.”  Praise is reserved for things well done.  It implies a spirit of competition, like being evaluated and earning a grade.  Encouragement is given for effort or improvement.  It implies a spirit of cooperation.